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Posted by purplemary54 on December 4, 2012

Some recent posts by Meizac have gotten me thinking about forgiveness again.  Forgiveness and anger–and pain and remorse, and everything else tied up in that tangle of emotions we get when a relationship ends.  I haven’t been involved with anyone for about 10 years.  I quit trying after the last “relationship” I had ended.  I use scare quotes because it wasn’t a relationship, just a series of occasional one night stands in a friends-with-benefits arrangement.  I was way more emotionally invested in it than he was.  He eventually got involved with another friend in our little circle, and moved to a graduate program at another college.  I left school (I’d burned out academically; it had next to nothing to do with my personal life–although that didn’t help), and went to work.  He called once after he moved, wanting to have a get-together at his new place.  It angered me that he wanted me to attend the party, with his girlfriend there, even though I’d made it really clear how much he’d hurt me.  He acknowledged that hurt, but didn’t seem to understand why I didn’t want to hang out with him anymore.  I’ve always accepted 50% of the responsibility for my pain, because I knew what I was getting into; walked into it with eyes wide open, in fact.  What I wanted from him was to accept the other half, and understand that my hurt meant things weren’t going to be status quo anymore.  I still don’t know if he ever did.

I haven’t seen him in 10 years; not sure how I’d feel if I did.  It still hurts.  It’s not the stinging, searing, embarrassing pain it was so long ago.  But there’s still that little ache, like a scabbed over scrape or an old bruise.  I can’t say I’ve forgiven him or myself for what happened, but I can’t say I’m still angry about it anymore, either.  I think about it sometimes, about how sure I was I could convince him to love me.  What I realized was that you can’t convince anyone of something they don’t feel.  And I never seem to pick guys that want to love me, for whatever reason.  Maybe there’s some deep-seated psychological explanation about risk and vulnerability (I’m opposed to both).  Maybe I just have lousy taste.  I know that I got tired of playing the game, so I dropped out.

This song came out about the same time all this happened to me, and it really summed up how I felt.  (It’s also, coincidentally, the last song Faith Hill released that I thought was actually worth listening to.)  It’s a soaring, anthem-like plea for understanding, really.  The heartbroken woman in the song just wants her jerk of an ex to “cry just a little for me.”  She wants him to feel as bad as she does.  She wants him to hurt.  “I don’t want pity, I just want what is mine.”  It’s a raw, human moment.  A perfectly understandable reaction to being hurt.  Maybe it’s not right, but it’s the truth.

Misery loves company, after all.


10 Responses to ““Cry””

  1. Sandee said

    I saw the phrase ‘friends with benefits’ and hopped right on in. At least you could see your part in it. I feel I’m better off if I completely understand that I have no control over what other people feel — but then again in matters of love and emotion, that goes out the window. Funny — today I had a conversation with a friend about my ef buddy — and how I finally came to terms with the fact that I wanted to use him. It helped to ease the resentment I had about him not falling in love with me and asking me to marry him. Sometimes when I look really honestly and deeply, it may be uncomfortable but in the long run I benefit.

    • I couldn’t let myself off the hook. I knew what I was doing, saw pretty well where it was going, and went ahead anyway. matters of the heart really make people go a little nuts. I think that’s why I’ve really sworn off love and romance: I hate with a passion being that out of control of myself.

      • Sandee said

        Oh no Mary, please, I beseech you — never swear off love, oh no never 🙂 As Madonna said: You’re frozen, when your heart’s not open… Hey but I totally feel you.

        • Oh, I’m open to love; I just refuse to play the romantic love game. If it happens, great. If it doesn’t, great. I’m still happy, and I’ve filled my life with other kinds of love.

  2. meizac said

    You’re right. I want him to hurt. I don’t care if it’s right or not. I want him to hurt even a 10th as much as I hurt.

  3. meizac said

    Reblogged this on Meizac and commented:
    Purplemary54 is right. Maybe if he had hurt (or at least appeared to hurt) even 1/10 as much as I hurt, this would somehow have been easier to deal with.

  4. Absolutely! You said it so well that there’s hardly anything else left to say except that I have been there too. After 15 years, it’s mostly gone but there’s still a little part of me that cries because I -like you, never saw the other part was sorry. I think all that was needed was the acknowledgement of the wrongdoing. Just that. Something like “I effed up. I’m sorry.” and then one can move on.

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