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An Open Letter to Miley Cyrus

Posted by purplemary54 on September 4, 2013

Dear Miley,

Now that you’ve had your say about the whole VMA “controversy” (because, really, who was actually shocked by any of it?), I figure I’ll take this opportunity to chime in.  I did try to muster up a little outrage over your performance, but the most I could manage was mildly offended.  And not by your pathetic “twerking” (seriously, who comes up with these words?).  No, I’m offended by your almost total lack of anything resembling talent.  You’d think someone who’s sold as many records as you would at least have some ability, some charisma, some kind of something, to justify your fame.  At least Madonna has made some good music to go with her “controversial” sexy persona.  But then again, most of the music you’ve sold has been to 12-year-old girls, and as a former 12-year-old girl myself, I can safely attest that they have no taste whatsoever.

Your performance at the VMAs was not special, and you did not “make history” as you claim you and Robin Thicke felt about the whole stupid thing.  Most importantly, and I really feel that I must stress this, your performance was not sexy.  Sure, it was kind of raunchy and sexual, but it was also kind of boring and unoriginal.  Now, you’re pretty young still, and I’m sure you’ll figure it out what real sexiness is one of these days–although your ability to be sexy on stage is probably never going to appear.  Because sexy comes with talent.  And you have none.

For future reference, here is a partial list of female performers who are all truly sexy.  Not because of their looks or bodies, although the vast majority are considered beautiful women.  They’re sexy because they have the skills that you will never have.  You might consider emulating some of them.

Linda Ronstadt

Nina Simone

Chrissie Hynde

Stevie Nicks

Adele

Bonnie Raitt

Patti Smith

Cyndi Lauper

Cat Power

Liz Phair

Jill Scott

Sarah McLachlan

Exene Cervenka

I would like to leave you with a video of what I consider one of the sexiest songs ever, because it’s about a lot more than sex.  It’s by Sophie B. Hawkins, who is also far more sexy than you’ll ever be.  She did one video for this song that featured lots of writhing around in bed sheets, but that’s not even half as sexy as she is dancing around barefoot in torn jeans and a sleeveless shirt.  Remember that the most erogenous zone on the human body is the brain.  If you try appealing to hearts and minds instead of groins, you might actually get somewhere.

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6 Responses to “An Open Letter to Miley Cyrus”

  1. This!

  2. Talking about sex, what about Peggy Lee?

  3. kane lorde said

    Linda ws our Pin-up girl and she had killer pipes. A complex voice and a sexy modesty.

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