There are happy love songs. There are sad love songs. And then there’s the love songs that make you want to take a shower because you feel a little icky afterwards. Or file a restraining order. It’s a toss-up.
I did a Google search for some ideas, even though I pretty much knew what songs I was gonna mention, and it turns out there are a lot of really creepy love songs out there. There was a lot of overlap on the lists I looked at. Everyone knows that “Every Breath You Take” is a creepy stalker song (except the people who’ve danced to it at their weddings). I had never seriously considered the BeeGees’ “Nights on Broadway” to be a stalker song, although I guess it really kind of is (doesn’t make me like it any less). And there’s a lot of skeevy love/sex songs (I’m looking at you, Robin Thicke and R. Kelly). Bruce Springsteen’s “I’m on Fire” and George Michael’s “Father Figure” are in a category of skeeve all by themselves. (There’s a great list that includes many of these songs and more over here. Made me laugh out loud.)
What did surprise me was that when I searched for “creepy love songs”, the two songs I considered creepiest were nowhere to be found. Which love songs creep me out more than just about any other? Well, the first one is about a guy who keeps telling some girl to stay away from him because she’s too young.
Can you say 15 years for statutory rape? I knew you could! *shudder* Everything about this is just wrong. And kind of slimy. I didn’t think songs got any ickier than this. Until I heard “You’re Having my Baby” the first time.
I’ll be honest. The video I picked might really suck. I don’t know. I cannot listen to this song. Aside from the fact that it’s really not a good song (they should’ve revoked Paul Anka’s songwriter card for this), it’s also highly disturbing to me. As a woman and a feminist, I’m just a bit offended. It’s as though the woman’s only purpose is having his baby; she’s a vessel with no agency or identity of her own. Really, this song is a dream theme for every reactionary, religious, anti-choice freak out there. But there’s something more, something about the rapturous way he’s singing. It’s like he’s got a shrine all set up in the garage or something. I hope somebody calls child services when that kid is born.
All in all, I recommend some chocolate and flowers. Maybe a card. Do not follow your valentine. Do not send anyone under the legal age of consent a valentine. Do not ask your valentine to call you daddy (or mommy). And if your valentine happens to be pregnant, please, just get her a new body pillow or some lumbar support.