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One Year

Posted by purplemary54 on May 12, 2014

Today marks one year since my dad died.  I was going to use this song by Shawn Colvin for my post, because it pretty much sums up how I feel right now, but I couldn’t find a decent video to link to.  (No, clips from Dawson’s Creek do not count as “decent” in this case.)  This last year has been a strange one for me, “it shouldn’t seem so long or so weird.”  Except it hasn’t felt long; it still seems like yesterday everything happened.

Another thought came to me as I was contemplating video links and songs.  I’m still really sad.  I think I always will be.  I will probably be curling up into a fetal position and sobbing at some point today.  But I don’t want to be sad right now.  Daddy probably wouldn’t want that, and I know he wouldn’t know how to deal with it (he wasn’t very skilled at handling my emotional outbursts, for the most part).   So let’s not be sad, okay?

Harold and Maude was on TV last night.  This isn’t a non sequitur; I’m going somewhere with this.  For you poor, deprived souls who haven’t seen this magnificent movie, Harold and Maude is the story of young Harold, who is obsessed with death and drifting through life.  He meets free-wheeling 79-year-old Maude at a funeral, and they become friends.  Maude shows Harold how to live life to the fullest.  Maude dies.  Harold goes on.  (I’m leaving a lot out, but it’ll make the movie more fun if you see it for yourself.)  It is a dark comedy with a seemingly dark ending.

This movie really has nothing to do with my dad (although he enjoyed it almost as much as I do).  Neither does this song (not sure how he felt about Cat Stevens).  Just before the credits roll, Harold is seen dancing away after wrecking his car.  He’s probably still grieving, but he’s also still living.  I have the feeling that Harold’s life after Maude’s death was pretty damn awesome because he took her lessons to heart.  I’m trying to live in that emotional space.  I want to embrace the sadness I still feel, but keep dancing anyway.

This song isn’t quite how I feel yet, but I’m getting there.  (BTW, this clip is somewhat misleading about what happens in the film because of the order the clips are in; it’s much more interesting.)



4 Responses to “One Year”

  1. The first anniversary of a father’s death is certainly not easy. I love the way you’ve dealt with it here, especially that reference to embracing the sadness but keep dancing anyway.
    Hope you have more dancing than sadness! j

    • I had a better time of it than I thought I would, but I think I’ll be a little sensitive for the next little while. I hope there’ll be more dancing, too. 🙂

  2. 45spin said

    Love makes the pain real, but love also makes it go away. A great verse someone once told me and helped me deal with the loss of my mom. Sorry to hear about your dad.

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