“A Long December”
Posted by purplemary54 on December 26, 2015
I didn’t consciously decide not to post yesterday, but things were so busy I just didn’t get around to it. Family came over, and it was fun. Food, presents, movie, general silliness. My cats were even kind of friendly to people they don’t know very well. Yay, Christmas!
I’ve used this song around this time of year before, but this isn’t really a repost. I know I thought I’d be more downbeat for the upcoming New Year’s festivities, like I was before Christmas, but something seems to have shifted in me.
Maybe the shift has affected how I hear this song. It is pretty depressing, with an almost equally depressing video. But I’m not down listening to it. There’s something hopeful here, a little spark that just needs some nurturing to grow into a warm flame. “It’s been so long since I’ve seen the ocean, I guess I should.” I guess I should. Do something. See the ocean again. That big, beautiful, vast space that holds so much power and mystery and danger and promise and life. Do something. Do anything. Live.
You’ve heard the saying: Do one thing every day that scares you. That’s pretty easy when everything scares you. I exaggerate a little in my case, because while I’m pretty riddled with fears both real and imagined, I’m not actually afraid of everything. But I am trying to figure out ways to silence my fears long enough to be happy all the time. Going back to school scared me, but I’m doing it. It’s been weird, but good so far (I got A’s in both my classes, so I must have done something right.). I’m scared about money, about Mom’s health, about all the possible disasters that could happen. It seems sometimes like I’m not really happy unless I’m imagining some kind of terror bearing down on me. But of course, all that fear is the one thing that makes me feel unhappy. I’ve been in that place for so long, it’s comforting in a way. It’s not good for me, though, and I know it holds me back. So that’s the one thing I’m going to try to do every day that scares me: Live without fear. (Crap. That sounds like a New Year’s resolution to me.)
Part of the shift I’ve been feeling is because I decided to play with Feng Shui a little in my home. I don’t know what it will bring for me, but I’m working on improving the energy in my living space to bring about health and prosperity for us. Doing things like rearranging the furniture or lighting candles or hanging mirrors isn’t some kind of magic cure-all, but it helps change my mindset, which is the biggest challenge for me. If I can do something tangible that represents the intangible thing I’m trying to deal with, that makes it easier to do something with. So Feng Shui it is, and let the cards fall where they may (or at least where they will be most auspicious).
The upcoming Lunar New Year is going to be the year of the Monkey, and I’m a Monkey. (I used to think I was a Rooster, which is what most of 1969 was, but I was born right before the Lunar New Year, which puts me in 68’s animal sign of Monkey.) I’m hoping that means that 2016 will be a good year for me. And since I have a new mindset and a little Feng Shui energy, then maybe it will be.