Freaky Friday: Valentine’s Day Edition

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There are happy love songs.  There are sad love songs.  And then there’s the love songs that make you want to take a shower because you feel a little icky afterwards.  Or file a restraining order.  It’s a toss-up.

I did a Google search for some ideas, even though I pretty much knew what songs I was gonna mention, and it turns out there are a lot of really creepy love songs out there.  There was a lot of overlap on the lists I looked at.  Everyone knows that “Every Breath You Take” is a creepy stalker song (except the people who’ve danced to it at their weddings).  I had never seriously considered the BeeGees’ “Nights on Broadway” to be a stalker song, although I guess it really kind of is (doesn’t make me like it any less).  And there’s a lot of skeevy love/sex songs (I’m looking at you, Robin Thicke and R. Kelly).  Bruce Springsteen’s “I’m on Fire” and George Michael’s “Father Figure” are in a category of skeeve all by themselves.  (There’s a great list that includes many of these songs and more over here.  Made me laugh out loud.)

What did surprise me was that when I searched for “creepy love songs”, the two songs I considered creepiest were nowhere to be found.  Which love songs creep me out more than just about any other?  Well, the first one is about a guy who keeps telling some girl to stay away from him because she’s too young.

Can you say 15 years for statutory rape?  I knew you could!  *shudder*  Everything about this is just wrong.  And kind of slimy.  I didn’t think songs got any ickier than this.  Until I heard “You’re Having my Baby” the first time.

I’ll be honest.  The video I picked might really suck.  I don’t know.  I cannot listen to this song.  Aside from the fact that it’s really not a good song (they should’ve revoked Paul Anka’s songwriter card for this), it’s also highly disturbing to me.  As a woman and a feminist, I’m just a bit offended.  It’s as though the woman’s only purpose is having his baby; she’s a vessel with no agency or identity of her own.  Really, this song is a dream theme for every reactionary, religious, anti-choice freak out there.  But there’s something more, something about the rapturous way he’s singing.  It’s like he’s got a shrine all set up in the garage or something.  I hope somebody calls child services when that kid is born.

All in all, I recommend some chocolate and flowers.  Maybe a card.  Do not follow your valentine.  Do not send anyone under the legal age of consent a valentine.  Do not ask your valentine to call you daddy (or mommy).  And if your valentine happens to be pregnant, please, just get her a new body pillow or some lumbar support.