There are always a few different lists going around Facebook at any given moment designed to tell people who you are, what kind of person you are based on a handful of questions. Sometimes these things are thematic–like using only one word, or basing each answer on a consecutive letter of the alphabet, etc. I never take part in these things. It’s not that I’m all that closed off, although I can be. It’s not even that the questions are mostly irrelevant, although they often are. I just don’t think these things would really tell you who I am.
I think of myself as a private person, but given that I blog and am on FB, I’m not so sure that’s true anymore. I also like to think I have a pretty tight rein on my emotions, but if I’m being honest that is probably the biggest lie I’ve ever told myself. I have about as much self-control over my emotions as your average three-year-old. But I hate losing control of my feelings in public, so I guess that’s something. I do have trouble letting people in; intimacy and I are not exactly on speaking terms. I’m opinionated and I like to blast my opinions and thoughts (educated or otherwise) out there for the world to see. It’s actually something of a defense mechanism, though. I know that distracting people with my opinions on politics, etc. will get them to think they know who I am and stop asking about me.
So in the spirit of full disclosure, I will occasionally be posting songs I really relate to, that I can see myself in. There’s the me I project, and the me I see in my mind’s eye. The latter is the person these songs will let you all see, too. Maybe. Maybe not. I guess all that stuff really is in the eye of the beholder. My eye beholds this.
You ever get the sense that you’re waiting for something to happen? The feeling that there is something else in this world that is meant for you, but you have no idea what it is or how to articulate it? Not greatness or a great romance, necessarily. Just something. . . different. That’s me. That’s this song for me. I know there’s something out there but I haven’t found it yet. Maybe I never will. I’ve tried to define it in so many different ways but I can’t quite. It’s a search for peace and contentment, something that will finally allow me shut my brain off and let the anxiety and worry disappear. I also know by now that I’m probably never going to find whatever it is outside of myself. It won’t stop me from looking. But in the meantime, I have Jackson Browne to help me at least put a name to it. I’m a Hold Out.