I wish everyone–coupled, single, or otherwise–a Happy Valentine’s Day. If you are in a couple, please remember to celebrate your love the other 364 days of the year. If you are single, don’t let social pressure make you feel bad that you’re not in a couple today. Love is not just romantic. If you are otherwise, well. . . have fun doing whatever the heck it is you do. Be sure to share all the love today with the rest of your family, your pets, your friends, and anyone else who makes you happy (but don’t violate any restraining orders, please). Love is everywhere, all the time, and it really is all you need.
But the Replacements never hurt, either.
There are happy love songs. There are sad love songs. And then there’s the love songs that make you want to take a shower because you feel a little icky afterwards. Or file a restraining order. It’s a toss-up.
I did a Google search for some ideas, even though I pretty much knew what songs I was gonna mention, and it turns out there are a lot of really creepy love songs out there. There was a lot of overlap on the lists I looked at. Everyone knows that “Every Breath You Take” is a creepy stalker song (except the people who’ve danced to it at their weddings). I had never seriously considered the BeeGees’ “Nights on Broadway” to be a stalker song, although I guess it really kind of is (doesn’t make me like it any less). And there’s a lot of skeevy love/sex songs (I’m looking at you, Robin Thicke and R. Kelly). Bruce Springsteen’s “I’m on Fire” and George Michael’s “Father Figure” are in a category of skeeve all by themselves. (There’s a great list that includes many of these songs and more over here. Made me laugh out loud.)
What did surprise me was that when I searched for “creepy love songs”, the two songs I considered creepiest were nowhere to be found. Which love songs creep me out more than just about any other? Well, the first one is about a guy who keeps telling some girl to stay away from him because she’s too young.
Can you say 15 years for statutory rape? I knew you could! *shudder* Everything about this is just wrong. And kind of slimy. I didn’t think songs got any ickier than this. Until I heard “You’re Having my Baby” the first time.
I’ll be honest. The video I picked might really suck. I don’t know. I cannot listen to this song. Aside from the fact that it’s really not a good song (they should’ve revoked Paul Anka’s songwriter card for this), it’s also highly disturbing to me. As a woman and a feminist, I’m just a bit offended. It’s as though the woman’s only purpose is having his baby; she’s a vessel with no agency or identity of her own. Really, this song is a dream theme for every reactionary, religious, anti-choice freak out there. But there’s something more, something about the rapturous way he’s singing. It’s like he’s got a shrine all set up in the garage or something. I hope somebody calls child services when that kid is born.
All in all, I recommend some chocolate and flowers. Maybe a card. Do not follow your valentine. Do not send anyone under the legal age of consent a valentine. Do not ask your valentine to call you daddy (or mommy). And if your valentine happens to be pregnant, please, just get her a new body pillow or some lumbar support.